The Trouble With Fear Is....

I spent 4 hours talking to my mom. We want to go to Alabama. But as we talked, I realized that it’s not change that I am afraid of. It’s not leaving that I fear. But I fear pain. I fear being forgotten. I’ve lived in Saint Joseph my whole life. But when we went on vacation this summer, I think I found where I really belong. And that is in Alabama. The outskirts of Alabama. Wilmer, Alabama. Or even Mobile 30 minutes away. Then I found a song by the band Alabama called "Gulf of Mexico".

I live to work and work to live. Oh but what I wouldn’t give, for a ray of sun, and a little piece of beach. Where the sand dollar is the only currency. Why don’t we go to the Gulf of Mexico. You and me by the sea. Palm trees are calling. That’s the place I want to be. Down where the southern breeze is blowin’. On the Gulf of Mexico.

However, my mom says that Kenny Chesney describes me best with “All I Want For Christmas”.

Don’t you think it’s a pretty good plan? All I want for Christmas is a real good tan. All I want for Christmas is a real good tan, take me to the islands, put my feet in the sand. Rockin’ to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean, singing Silent Night with the palm trees ablowin’. Don’t you think it’s a pretty good plan? All I want for Christmas is a real good tan…. How about two tickets to a tropical shore, where we don’t have to wear these winter clothes anymore. Instead of turkey we’ll have mahi-mahi grillin’, and Piña Coladas in the blinder chillin’. All I want for Christmas is a real good tan, take me to the islands, put my feet in the sand. Rockin’ to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean, singing Silent Night with the palm trees ablowin’…. Well everybody’s prayin’ for a Christmas of white, come to think about it, that’ll be alright. As long as there’s sand and not snow on the ground, and everyday our skin gets a little more brown…. All I want for Christmas is a real good tan.

That describes me without a doubt. Both, of them, really. I’ve always wanted to live near water. If there is one thing I hate, it’s being cold. I despise our winters. All my family down there, they say they don’t miss the cold and the snow here. At all. And I believe my place, as well as my mother’s, is with them. All I do is work and try to make it. I have no life. I’m not happy here, and I know my mother doesn’t like it either. But talking to her about moving, I know that I want to go more than anything, I just don’t want to leave everything and everyone here. That’s what has made me who I am today. It would be nice to sort of start over down there. I really believe I could be happy there. And it’s not just the cold here. Everyone I have talked to says they’d never forget me, they couldn’t even if they tried, that if it’s what I really think I need to do, than to do it, and if it doesn’t work out, that there’s always a place for me here. It just helps, knowing I have the support of all my friends. They are the ones I am most worried about. Down there, I couldn’t just call Libby at 2 AM and say ‘hey lets go to Dunkin Donuts’. Shayla couldn’t randomly call me and ask if I want to go have Chinese food. That’s our little tradition, kind of, but I would have to say ‘No. Wait until I visit in a few months.’ But what if none of them had time for me when I came back to visit? What if they didn’t WANT to make time for me? That’s the only thing that scares me. I’m not worried about my family here. I know they’ll all be alright. I know that they’ll be here when I come back. I also know that I am just getting too deep into thoughts and worries, because my real friends will still be there when I come back. They will want to spend time with me when they can and they will be sure to make time for me, no matter what. And I love them so much for that. I just worry too much, sometimes. I know I do, and I try not to. But then I get bored and start thinking about things, and I think too deep. I overanalyze everything. It’s been a bad habit for 10 years now. I mean, Shayla left for college in a town 4 hours away, and we still had time for each other. So what is so different from 1,000 miles away? Talking to my mom helps me discover a lot of things. Talking in general makes me discover a lot of things. Mostly about myself. The 100% only thing I am waiting on to move to Alabama is to graduate college.

Garth Brooks - "Two Piña Coladas"
Bring me two Piña Coladas, I want one for each hand. Let’s set the sail with Captian Morgan and never leave dry land. Hey troubles I’ve forgot ‘em, I buried ‘em in the sand. So bring me two Piña Coladas…. Now I’ve got to say that the wind and the waves, and the moon winkin’ down at me, eases my mind by leavin’ behind the heartaches that love often brings. Now I’ve got a smile that goes on for miles, with no inclination to roam. And I’ve got to say, that I think I outta stay, coz this is feeling more and more like home. So bring me two Piña Coladas, I gotta have one for each hand.